This year I had a lot of apprehension about what to do for Christmas. I’m told I must spend it with others and not alone. I entertained the idea and then thought to myself will me hanging out with others make this a more joyous day?
The resounding answer in my head was a ‘No.’ Now that I have lived overseas through 4 Christmases I’ve come to notice a few things. Every family eats different food, which means in 4 years unless I make a pie thats the only food that resembles Christmas that shows up on my plate. I deal with it and say it is what it is. Christmas isn’t about the food its about the company.
I’d be lying if I said that. Food is super important, but I’m not gonna drop $200 to recreate it when not everyone present would appreciate it. I’ve experienced that on a reenactment of Thanksgiving and never again will I host a holiday meal at least not here. So that brings us back to company. Back home its a ball of energy with people bustling about whoever’s house we are at, tip-toeing around the assholes with our pleasantries and drinking enough wine to keep us all merry.
Company definitely makes the holiday. I’ve celebrated it as a couple far from family once, and I’ve celebrated it here with friends for 3 years. Each year to me there were bonus points to the holiday, but sometimes the undercurrent of you not being wanted there for a long time can be felt. I hate being at houses like that since there is an expiry date on festivities.
So this year I decided to do something I normally wouldn’t be too happy about, but I’m spending Christmas alone. My friends are spread out and most are in relationships. I don’t feel like being a third, fifth, or seventh wheel at Christmas. I don’t feel the need to have to listen to your joyous coupleness and odd pokes at how much your partner sucks at times. I don’t care to hear about the families you are creating and how next year will be radically different to this one. Why? I want to be joyous in myself.
I want to be able to say hey, I’m nowhere fucking close to where I want and don’t know when I’m gonna get there. So in the meantime I don’t need your sugarplum tales thrown in my face taunting how much excitement and wonder is in your own life. I want to celebrate my own. There is no better place to challenge that than here in Korea, where Christmas is all about being a couple. Forget family, forget friends, you need a partner. So today I said fuck it all and I’m taking myself out.
I got all dressed up since it is Christmas and I went to eat a Christmas cupcake. Then I decided well I want to eat the carrot cake at my favorite coffee shop before they close next week. So its been a lot of sweets today. And that is okay as we can all use a little sweetness in our life. The day is far from over and I have no clue what will be Christmas dinner. To be told I don’t give a fuck what it is as long as it fills me up.
There is no better way to close the year than challenging myself. If I can take myself out on a date on Christmas, I can do anything I put my mind to in 2017. I kind of needed that reassurace for myself. As positive as I try to be lately, at times it feels like it is all for naught. If I could make a Christmas wish it would be for things to go as I want for once. It is a lofty wish that only I know the answer to, but it’d make me feel that the world is a little fairer. Reflecting on Christmas maybe we are given the load we have in life, because we can handle it. Maybe it is a character builder, but sometimes as the person on the outside looking in…it’d be nice to have a part of that magic in my life too.
Maybe one day I’ll be like everyone else. Joyous. Full of love. Appreciation. Affection. Warmth. And a family of my own.
Until then I’ll treasure the wonderful family I have and look forward to facetiming them while they are stuffing their faces. Sometimes the best thing about Christmas is the fact that no matter where you are that warmth and joy can be shared with you via technology.
So to everyone out there, whether you are with friends or family, or like me you’ve decided to spend it alone. Merry Christmas!